I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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