I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
