did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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