I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
