You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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