The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
