I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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