y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
