my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
