I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
