I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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