what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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