Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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