the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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