Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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