Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My bed smells like the plague
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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