god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
