i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
