I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Randomize
