I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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