3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
