I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it's great music for shaving your balls
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
