I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
