So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
