Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
