census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
