dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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