Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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