broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
