He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
