Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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