when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
