So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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