I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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