planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
