My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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