the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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