so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
