guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
