Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
