My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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