I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
