just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
do herpes really smell.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
