my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
