I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
