i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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