they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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