You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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