Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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