Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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