So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Randomize
